I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Randomize