Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
