Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
She seriously needs to find another hobby other than bouncing on cock.
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
