i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize
