Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
