Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
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