It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
