new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
What you up to?
Having coffee. Getting eyefucked. Eyefucking.
Full throttle
Some guys are relationship guys. Not our niche.
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
Randomize
