Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
Randomize
