i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Randomize
