my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
I want you more than these girls want KFC
I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
