end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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