I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
