i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize