carls jr on main st. japanese tourist taking a dump in the urinal. reading a japanese newspaper and wearing a full suit.
be there in 3 mins
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
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