I think there's some kind of asian convention downtown. There are thousands and they're all wearing badges and snapping pictures. I feel like I just stepped into your worst nightmare.
Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Randomize