No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
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