How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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