I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
out of nowhere you said let us see your boobs, then proceeded to pull my shirt down.
i gets down
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
Randomize
