life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
