One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
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