If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
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