I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
The best revenge is premature balding
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
Randomize
