Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
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