Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
I think any school that has COCKS written on it's baseball hats has their priorities straight.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
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