So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
im six kinds of drunk right now
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Randomize
