Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
Banned from zoo.
Again?
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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