I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
Randomize
