you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
Randomize
