I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
