You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
