i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
Randomize