Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Randomize
