Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
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