just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
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