MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
