you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Randomize
