$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
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