dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
Randomize