dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
Randomize