I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
She's in it for that fear factor ya'll. Obsession and stalking or nothing.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
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