i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
The power of my boobs compel you
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
Randomize
