My boss' voice literally gives me gas
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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