At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
Randomize
