i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
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