the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
My bed is full of blood and feathers
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
Randomize
