Jerry, you need to find god
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
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