# days @ Coachella: 1 people i showed how to break it down: 279
Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
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