Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
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