can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Randomize
