god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
Randomize
