so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
I have feelings that need drinking.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
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