btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
Randomize
