You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
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