Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
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